I am a certified Diet Coke fiend. I really do have a problem (yes, yet another problem). I have a sneaking suspicion that aspartame is more addictive than caffeine because I even went with caffeine free diet coke for a while and that didn’t help. Non-diet soda drinkers won’t believe me, but I prefer the taste of diet soda over regular soda. I’m not drinking it because of the calories, although that is a bonus. It just tastes better. I’m only writing about it because of this comic posted over at TwisterSister:

So my #1 goal was to purchase a house. I am close. I am pre-approved, looked at lots of houses, found a good one, and made my offer. Now I am waiting to hear that my offer was accepted. Please keep your fingers crossed for me and wish me luck!

I thought I would make my next goal a small one since the previous goal was probably the biggest one of my life. Goal #2 = Make this awesome Hello Kitty sewing machine mine. Yes, I said awesome… the preferred adjective used during my junior high years to describe anything that didn’t suck.

This machine is relatively inexpensive at around $100. But more importantly it is made by Janome, which is known for producing quality machines. My current sewing machine is about 9 years old and has been giving me problems with the bobbin. The damn thing also seems to have increased its volume over the years and can be heard from two blocks away. Not good when I am crazily sewing into the wee hours of the morning and my husband is trying to sleep.

So, dear dear friends, how much do you love me? Because you see…. my birthday is in 30 days. You just can’t leave the birthday girl empty handed. I accept cash, money orders, personal checks, Visa, Mastercard, American Express, Discover, sexual favors. Oops. Birthday girl is a married girl. Those favors will have to come from Mr. CraftZombie. But anyway, I will make this machine mine even if I have to hide the damn thing in my huge backpack. Yes Mr. Target security guy making minimum wage, I said it. Whatcha gonna do???

By the way, for beginners who want a less expensive machine, they also have another Hello Kitty machine here. )

Everyone should write a letter to the world like I did in my last entry. Apparently, for one brief moment, I have stopped being shit on and received the wonderful news that I am officially OFFICIALLY pre-approved for the purchase of a home. Unfuckingbelievable. So here is another letter….

Dear World,
The best house I’ve seen in my price range is occupied by a little old lady who is unsure about moving. Of course. Can you please tell her to accept my offer and start packing? I promise I won’t ask for anything else ever again, except maybe the occasional “Please let me lose 15 pounds”. Thank you for not shitting on me today (yet).
Sincerely,
Me

Today I feel like being one of those assholes who refers to themselves in the third person.

April’s scorpion sting has healed and her knee is as good as new, except for the stubble from the lack of leg shaving.

Right now April is thinking, “Fuck, wasn’t it JUST Friday, like…. yesterday?” Now its here again already. Everything seemed to move in slow motion before she turned 18. After age 25, life really seemed to race to the top of the hill. Next month she will turn 30 and start rolling over that hill. If 30 years went by this fast, she’ll be 60 before the blink of an eye. Holy shit, life REALLY is short, just like old people say!

April is currently hunting for her first house. This house must have enough bedrooms so that she can have her very own craft room. Then maybe she’ll shut the fuck up and stop complaining already. Oh wait… she’ll be complaining about a mortgage, I forgot. Then she’ll be complaining because her husband won’t mow the lawn or feed the dog and she’ll be left doing it because moms do EVERYTHING. Does she sound bitter?

She wonders where men would be without women and why Mothers Day is only once a year. She is bitter because her husband rolls his stiff, stinky socks off of his feet into the shape of a donut and she’s the lucky one who gets to unroll the damn things to put them in the washing machine. God knows, if his underwear had stains, she’d surely be in divorce court because the damn socks are ENOUGH. Does she sound bitter?

April opened a new Etsy shop, but still needs to finish filling it up with all of the goodies she wants you to buy because her husbands paycheck was not what it should be and now she is stressing over bills, which in turn causes her to type these long, incoherent, run-on sentences that any English teacher would simply cringe over.

April reads your blog.

April will never talk about herself in the third person again and is only acting like a complete idiot because it is 6 am and she hasn’t slept yet. She may just fall asleep right here and not even finish writi

Dear Mr. Scorpion,
Fuck you. Today you stung me as I was doing some spring cleaning in my bedroom/office. I know I killed your two brothers last month with the vacuum cleaner, but there’s no excuse for what you did. My knee swelled up and my whole leg went numb. More importantly, you almost made me shit my pants. You are one ugly motherfucker.

Sincerely,
April the bug hater

P.S. You’re a bug. Why do you look like a fucking lobster?

Speaking of ugly bugs, it occurred to me that there are prejudices toward the appearance of insects just like there are with humans. Like if you are in a car accident and get rear-ended by a hot, sexy, blonde bombshell, you probably wont be as mad as you would if someone less attractive hit you. You know its true. That’s why the cops always give chicks warnings instead of writing them tickets. Well, the same thing goes with bugs. If ladybugs could sting and one were to sting me, I probably wouldn’t care as much. But because a big, UGLY scorpion stung me, it just makes the whole ordeal even worse. Now whenever I have a stray hair tickling the side of my arm, I’m going to freak out and picture that fucking scorpion crawling all over me.

Another thing too… I would be completely useless in any type of crisis situation. I completely freaked out over this bug. My heart was pounding as if a tornado had just ripped off my roof. My body shook like crazy and I couldn’t gather my thoughts. I was just plain useless.

Finally… something crafty! After all, this is supposed to be a craft blog, not a blog where I profess my love and wish to grow a wiener.

I made some cute necklace pendants out of bamboo tiles and children’s book images:

So how in the hell do you make these damn things……

Easy! I wish I had time to do a nice tutorial with pictures and all that good stuff….

1. Get some tiles, dominos, or wood shapes from etsy, ebay, michaels, hobby lobby, etc.

2. Cut some images to the right sizes for your tiles.

3. Get some decoupage glue. I used Aleene’s Instant Decoupage Glue this time with much better results.

4. Brush some glue onto the top of the tile and place your image on top. You have to work fast when you do this because this particular glue seems to dry faster than Mod Podge glue.

5. Important!!—- Make sure that you press your image down onto the glued tile tightly. You don’t want any bubbles or raised areas on the edges of the image. You want the image completely flat against the tile. This glue is thinner though and doesn’t make your image as soggy as Mod Podge does, so bubbles are less likely. (Geez, I sound like an Aleene’s Rep. or something. I swear, I am not affiliated!)

6. Wait around 5 minutes for it to dry completely and then brush more glue on top of the image.

7. Again, wait for it to dry and keep adding more coats of glue to the image until you are satisfied, letting it dry between coats. I put around 4 or 5 coats because I knew I was going to coat them with resin eventually and wanted to make sure the resin did not ruin the image. You can stop here if you wish. I coated mine with resin because I didn’t like seeing the brush stroke lines you will get from the glue. I am anal about these things.

8. I used a different kind of resin than usual. I usually use Easy Cast resin, but this time I used Decorators Solution. I just followed the directions for mixing it, but instead of pouring it on, I brushed gobs of it on and pushed it around with the brush until the top was completely covered with a thick coat. Let them dry for 24 hours and they’re finished! I put them in the oven (don’t turn it on!) to keep them dust-free for the 24 hours.

(Edit: I have posted a new tutorial for the wire wrapping done on the top of the pendants.

x-posted on craftster