So its been awhile since I posted, I know. I’ve been on Facebook mostly. I haven’t been too crafty lately either. I did make myself a purse which I still need to take pics of so I can post them here. I’ve had a lot of personal crap going on, mostly money related. I’m close to losing my house, but some friends are trying to help, so we’ll see what happens. Funny how family isn’t there for you a lot of the times when you need help, but good friends are. Not funny actually….. sad. Anyway, my birthday was on the 26th and it was great. Other news: I’ve finally gone wireless and I finally have my old computer hooked up to my bedroom tv so I can watch Netflix, etc. Its a nice alternative to the cable I used to have which got cut off a few weeks ago since I am broke. Talk to you soon if you dare to return…..

Contrary to the Yahoo email you may have received from “me”, I am not in London nor do I need to borrow $1500. Well actually, if you do have $1500 and you want to loan it to me, that would be great at this point in my life, but anyway….. apparently my fucking Yahoo account was hacked. I don’t know what’s up with these hackers lately. They’ve been fucking with my blog and now my email. I’m really not that important. And also, if it is money you are after…. boy are you barking up the wrong tree! I have $50 to my name as we speak. And as far as trying to get money out of my family…. well, I’ve already been there and done that. I’m surprised they are still speaking to me so don’t even bother wasting your time.

For anyone interested, the prick who hacked me is supposedly using yhabeeb88@gmail.com as their email, unless they stole that too. I’ve already sent them an email letting them know how sorry I am that they have such a small dick and apparently no life!

For the past year, I have been a member of the APA. I’ve been playing 9-ball, although I also joined an 8-ball team 3 weeks ago. Due to the hard work of my team, we have made it to the city finals. Woo hoo! What that means is this: If we win at City, we get a paid trip to Las Vegas where we will compete in the Nationals. At Nationals we have a chance to win a 1st Place prize of $15,000 (and bragging rights, of course!).

Tonight at 7:30 will be the first round of matches at the City tournaments. I’m EXTREMELY nervous. I have never been a part of a team (or at least stuck with one long enough) and I’ve never had to be this responsible for the outcome of any kind of team “sport”. I actually received a plaque with my name on it just for making it to City. This blows my mind. I have never received any kind of plaque. Just typing all of this makes me want to puke. My stomach is all turned around. I can’t let the team down. Please Mr. or Ms. God/Universe/Nature/Whatever…. Let me stop shaking long enough to hold my stick straight. Amen.

So its been over a month (again) since I last posted. I need to get my shit together but its been so hard. So much crap going on at home with things falling apart all over the place. I need to start fresh. With a lot of things. One of the things I’ve been wanting to do is redo this damn blog. I was getting sick of the template and in an attempt to avoid the extremely important shit I’m supposed to be doing but am too depressed to do, I decided to improve this blog a bit with new graphics and new crafty links. If anyone actually reads this thing, hope you like it. Catch me on Twitter. I update that more than this thing lately.

I’m swamped with orders during the holidays. I literally sit here and work until my feet swell. And then I try to sleep. But I can’t because all I can think about is how in the hell am I going to get all of these orders mailed on time? And then when I finally do fall asleep, its not for very long because I have to get back to work or I will get too many angry customers.

It sucks selling online during the holidays. Too many jerks out there. Most of my customers are fantastic, but every once in a while it seems they let some of them out of the loony bin. Do you sell your stuff online? Do you get any weirdos? I’d love to hear about it…..

I can’t wait to get something crafty posted. You can find me on Twitter here and there for the time being.

I know, I have totally neglected this blog.

As I sit here working, pulling yet another all-nighter, I am stuck (yet again) with a brain that will not turn off. How I long for a moment of rest where I can just relax and not think about anything whatsoever. But those moments only happen when I am intoxicated or medicated. And since I generally prefer not to be either one, except on certain occasions where its just plain NEEDED, I have to suffer through the endless chatter that takes place in my head.

The chatter consists of two things… the past and the future. The funny thing is that I live my life for neither. A non-existent “savings” account and the fact that I seem to repeat the same mistakes over and over again obviously shows that to be true. The fully awake conscious-me considers the past to be just something fucked up that happened back in the day and a future is something I’ll only have if I win the lottery. Not that I don’t work really hard to make a future for myself. Trust me, I work really hard. But in my head, the place where I am a daydreaming lunatic, the past comes at me with a vengeance.

My past is extremely difficult for me. I’m sure many of you (if anyone is actually reading this) feel the same about yours. I can safely say that my life from birth until high school was painful and too involved for me to even get into on this very public soapbox of mine. High school for me did suck, but there were a few lights at the end of that tunnel, some of them being people (you know who you are – even if things didn’t end well), and some of them being certain occasions where, for some odd reason, I ended up with a smile on my face and a fond memory. I loved college. It was a refreshing place to be at that time in my life (I went much later after high school). For the most part, I have enjoyed my mid twenties to early thirties. So now, at thirty two years old, I can say that I am happy. But still there is something missing, and that is where my future comes in.

I consider myself old. I believe this to be true because lately I have been noticing the differences between me and the people in their twenties. See, people in their twenties…. well…. they suck. If you are in your twenties and you hate me for saying that, just trust me. When you are in your thirties, you will remember how much you sucked when you were in your twenties and then you’ll come back here and leave me a comment telling me how right I was and that I must be a fucking genius.

You see Twenty Year Old… you don’t know what you want. You think you know. But you don’t. You really don’t. Don’t argue with me! You don’t. And by the time you figure out what it is you want, well its usually too late by then. Of course there is the saying that its “never too late”. And really, it’s never too late. Its just harder when you do it later. So here I am, thirty two, and its later and its harder and I want to do things that I can’t do because its hard and I don’t know how to do them and other things all at the same time. And so there is my problem.

When you are a creative person and you can’t be creative, its painful. It keeps you up at night. It depresses you. So you say fuck it and you do something creative one day, but it takes a hold of you and that day turns into two days, three days. And then you’ve really fucked up because when you are in your thirties, with a house, a job, and kids, three days is not something you have to spare. After a fuck up like that, you go back to your “normal” life. But then you get the urge again to do something creative. Only this time, you don’t give in because you remember what it did to you last time. So you put it off.

I’ve put it off for so long that I think I’m going to explode. What I am talking about is:

1. making music
2. being crafty again

I don’t have time for these things. They have become dreams, things I will do in the future when I have time. I keep saying I am going to do them, but I don’t, and it keeps gnawing on my insides like I have some sort of disease. I’m sure it IS a disease and if there are any psychologists reading this, please slap a name on that disease for me so I’ll at least know what to call myself.

I can get away with not doing the crafty stuff for a while longer. Its the music part that is killing me. Because I think I am capable of producing something great. I may be tooting my own horn, but its something I truly believe. The band I was in doesn’t count. Well, it counts, but I mean as far as what I have to offer. Because there were 3 other people in that band and I wasn’t able to do everything my way. I have plans going on in my head for doing some songs my way, by myself. And I want to do them so bad. But I can’t. I have bills. An injured husband. Two kids. Christmas on the way.

I know Christmas will be over soon. And my husband won’t be injured anymore. And I’ll get some time off from work. But I can hardly stand it. I’ve always had the ability to make something from nothing. But as I get older, my ability goes to waste. When you love to do something and are actually capable of making it happen, but you can’t do it for whatever reason, well… it sucks. And so you go online and type and pretend there is someone who understands why you think you are so fucked up.

Its really hard to keep a band together. That’s why I decided to be my own band. After the holidays, when my shop closes for a brief time, I am going to be a one woman band and create my own music. At least I’ll only have to rely on myself and no one else. It will be much like this, only with one person instead of two:

Love that by the way.

You should check out this one too.

A few days after my last post, my husband was in a car accident. He was at a stop light and a guy plowed into the back of our car. My husband hurt his back, neck, and sternum pretty badly but hopefully he will recover. In the meantime, I have procured a lawyer and my husband goes to physical therapy everyday. My car was totaled, so I have been paid for that and used the money to fix another car that had been sitting in my driveway for a year. My husband has been unable to work and we have only made it this far because of my job, our family, and our friends. The generosity of everyone is amazing and we are very grateful. Now we have to figure out how to continue paying a mortgage with one income. Fun.

Wow, its been a month since I’ve posted. I’m such a horrible blogger lately. I’ve just been dealing with family issues, etc., trying to work my ass off to pay bills and all that good stuff. My birthday is on Wednesday, but we are having a b-day party today. It’s supposed to be a surprise, but hubby forgets that I am smart.

I’m 32 fucking years old.