So I recently engaged in an all out war with a customer, via email, about my favorite (not really) topic…. religion. I always knew that Ebay shoppers were psychos. Hell, I’m one of them! But my Ebay customers really seem to need a prescription lately. Here is a list of what happened:

1. she buys my really awesome stuff
2. i mail really awesome stuff
3. she emails me
4. package lost in the mail apparently
5. you’ll notice that I like to use the word “apparently”
6. I send replacement
7. she receives package
8. you’ll also notice that I like to make lists
9. she leaves negative feedback saying it took too long for her to receive her package
10. wtf?
11. number 12 is really important for you to remember
12. I DON’T RUN THE FUCKING POSTAL SERVICE

I called her on it and then the war started. We exchanged some nasty emails for a brief time. In these emails, she said the following things to me:

1. “shut the hell up…..your to stupid to be allowed on planet earth”
2. “your just a self rightous unaccomidation lil bitch!!!!!!!!!!!”
3. “just wanted to know what a piece of garbage you are”
4. “i am a so very sad someone like you walks to earth”
5. “your a complete asshole”
6. “people are loosing their homes”

There was plenty more, but you get the gist of it. And no, I never called her an asshole or a bitch or anything like that. I might have called her stupid and I might have said she was acting like a child. I might have sent her dog feces through the mail. Okay, I didn’t do the last part. But I did look into that online. Did you know there are sites where you can buy poop and have it mailed to people? See, I am educational after all.

Side note… apparently, she doesn’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re”. Now, I do not mean to be a grammar nazi. I know this post probably has plenty of errors, but really, that kind of thing annoys the bejeezus out of me! And I just had to add the part about people “loosing” their homes. Oh and also how I walk “to earth”. Yes, I have many talents.

I tried several times to get her to leave me alone. Suddenly, just when I thought the emails were going to stop, she wrote to me and said, “OK,IM NOT GOING TO BE MEAN TO YOU ANYMORE, INSTEAD I WILL PRAY FOR U AND YOUR BUSINESS AND PRAY THAT U BECOME A STRONGER WOMEN AND LEARN TO EXCEPT NEGATIVE FEEDBACK. THE ONLY PERSON U SHOULD BE WORRIED ABOUT MAKING HAPPY IS OUR LORD AND SAVIOR. HAVE A NICE LIFE AND GOD BLESS”

Like an idiot, I replied to her and told her that she shouldn’t waste her time praying for me, especially since….. (scary music starts)….. I don’t believe in God!!!!! The horror!

Her reply: “NOW I KNOW I REALLY NEED TO PRAY FOR U. TO PRAY THAT U WILL SEE AND LEARN TO KNOW GOD AND HOW U GOT HERE AND HOW U GOT THAT DAMN BRAIN!!! WOW PEOPLE LIKE U MAKE ME SICK HOW CAN U NOT BEILEVE????”

My reply: “It shouldn’t make you sick because I don’t believe in God. It doesn’t make me sick that you DO believe in God. I understand why some people do. A lot of people need to believe in God, otherwise their world would collapse. Its comforting and reassuring. I personally do not need it.”

She wrote something back, but I never replied and I deleted it, so I guess I can’t tell you how it ended. Don’t you hate it when you get to the end of a story and the asshole doesn’t tell you the juicy details? Yeah, well I knew then that the juicy details would lead to never-ending emails about how I suck because I am an atheist. I put the juicy details to rest by shutting my mouth. But now my mouth is open. And boy does it always get me into trouble. Here I am, opening a can of worms on my blog, because now I am going to have every religious nut job, possibly including family members whom I love dearly (and are religious, but not nut jobs), on this blog telling me that I am a nut job for not believing in some sort of lord and savior dude. But thats okay. Preach away. You preachy types are so good at that.

I am going to shut up now, but I thought I would leave you with some videos, which best describe my feelings toward religion, put much more eloquently by this British fellow:

Check out this video: Absolute certainty

image credit: http://www.livelyivy.com

See you in hell.

10 – You vigorously deny the existence of thousands of gods claimed by other religions, but feel outraged when someone denies the existence of yours.

9 – You feel insulted and “dehumanized” when scientists say that people evolved from other life forms, but you have no problem with the Biblical claim that we were created from dirt.

8 – You laugh at polytheists, but you have no problem believing in a Triune God.

7 – Your face turns purple when you hear of the “atrocities” attributed to Allah, but you don’t even flinch when hearing about how God/Jehovah slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in “Exodus” and ordered the elimination of entire ethnic groups in “Joshua” including women, children, and trees!

6 – You laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans, and Greek claims about gods sleeping with women, but you have no problem believing that the Holy Spirit impregnated Mary, who then gave birth to a man-god who got killed, came back to life and then ascended into the sky.

5 – You are willing to spend your life looking for little loopholes in the scientifically established age of Earth (few billion years), but you find nothing wrong with believing dates recorded by Bronze Age tribesmen sitting in their tents and guessing that Earth is a few generations old.

4 – You believe that the entire population of this planet with the exception of those who share your beliefs — though excluding those in all rival sects – will spend Eternity in an infinite Hell of Suffering. And yet consider your religion the most “tolerant” and “loving.”

3 – While modern science, history, geology, biology, and physics have failed to convince you otherwise, some idiot rolling around on the floor speaking in “tongues” may be all the evidence you need to “prove” Christianity.

2 – You define 0.01% as a “high success rate” when it comes to answered prayers. You consider that to be evidence that prayer works. And you think that the remaining 99.99% FAILURE was simply the will of God.

1 – You actually know a lot less than many atheists and agnostics do about the Bible, Christianity, and church history – but still call yourself a Christian.

- courtesy of evilbible.com